Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
