That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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