I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
