I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
