1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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