You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
