you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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