her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
