my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
