The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
