Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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