so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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