you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
