Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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