There was a lot of him and a little penis
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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