What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
