I didn't shave. On purpose
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
