first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
