Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
