'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
