well I can't set my house on fire every night
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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