my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
well you can't waste a boner
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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