Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
