I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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