it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
