i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
