When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
