Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
