I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
