I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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