I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
