Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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