Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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