i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
