If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
