Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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