im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
