My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
