How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
