THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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