Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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