If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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