Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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