I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
