I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
