If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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