Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I smell like Dick and happiness
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