dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
