I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
