Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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